The Gapes of Wrath

[00:00:02] See, I'm better than you all, I smoke the nicest weed, I hate the hottest chicks, and I chat in cooler chat rooms in this lame place.

[00:00:11] Bush Tim Apple. Folks, we brought the jobs back to America, and we're getting some Bush Light Apple. Listen, I know the unions are weak, $5 gas and all that, but listen, there's a Bush Apple in every fridge.

[00:01:28] At least in mine, yes sir. Sorry kids. We can't give you your Roblox blucks, but we got Bud Apple. The kids are just like, this is the only vibe, it's like, this is a fucking, the Gapes of Wrath. Very different, very different movie. The fucking Grapes of Wrath ass shit, like the Grapes of Wrath of our box, we couldn't afford Roblox, so daddy just made us drink Bush and play with Legos.

[00:01:57] Hey, they got Tamadachi Life, they're set for a while, yeah. Do you like 9-11? Sure, I love 9-11! If I had to read the 9-11 rule book every night before bed, I would. I love Insire Trading. Oh God. I've seen so many where it's like somebody has made a Tamadachi Life character, a me, of Jeffrey Epstein. Hey, he's on the island. Yeah, exactly! Good stuff.

[00:02:27] Well, it's 40 minutes of dogs barking. I'm Jason, that's Brian. I'm gonna say hi. Are you gonna say hi? Sorry, sorry! I, uh, so that's Jason, I'm Brian, I am slowly rotating into my sexual tube, uh, roasting my own juices. He's shy, by the way. He's so shy, I'm so shy. Oh, don't make me talk on the microphone! Oh. Uh, uh, don't, don't, don't, don't podcast with me or I'll come!

[00:02:56] Oh no. So, the world keeps spinning. It does. I feel like we're all sucking the world's dick while it's on the john with no condom on. The world keeps spinning. I think the, the phrase that just keeps coming to mind is that we're all God's dog that he left in the hot car. Well, speaking of people getting off to things, perfect segue. Our first story in the What's Hot Classic this week, Brian, from the Daily Mail. It's an exclusive, si-s-s-s-s-s-s, don't you know?

[00:03:24] Glamorous J.P. Morgan exec accused of turning married mail broker into her office sex slave claims a Viagra spiking and a litany of obscene forced acts that made him cry. Now, that's not really funny. But what is funny is the description of some of the things that she said. So the full story goes like this. Luke Kenton, by the way, the U.S. senior reporter over there at the Daily Mail.

[00:03:48] A J.P. Morgan executive allegedly abused her power to sexually harass and abuse a junior male employee, drugging him, subjecting him to racial abuse, and threatening his career when he refused her advances, according to a lawsuit. Filed Monday, New York City Supreme Court by a plaintiff proceeding anonymously as John Doe. But the text messages are fucking weird. So, John Doe, who is Asian, joined as a senior VP slash director in March.

[00:04:15] And Hajani, the accused, was appointed to the team as a senior role the following month. In early May 2024, John Doe alleges she dropped her pen on the floor and, while bending to pick it up, rubbed his leg and squeezed his calf. He claims she then remarked, oh, did you play basketball in college? I love basketball players. They get me so wet. That is straight out of a porno. Lady is porno maxing. Later that May, Doe said in the complaint that she invited him out for drinks, but he declined.

[00:04:46] In response, she is alleged to have said, if you don't fuck me soon, I'm going to ruin you. Never forget, I fucking own you. Twice he claims that Hajani... Sorry, sorry, can I read this paragraph? Oh, please. Twice, Doe claims that Hajani proposed him from oral sex in the office on one occasion asking, birthday BJ for the brown boy, my little brown boy. I know, yeah. That is...

[00:05:10] So, I'm going to say that it sounds like this guy, he couldn't keep up. Yeah, he couldn't hang. Yeah, I'm just like, I understand that this is like sexual hurt, but at some point, like, man, you got, he had to make a choice. I know. Well, and he made a choice and said no. But also, she drugged him. That part's not cool. Not cool. And then she got access to his bank account. Oh, okay. This is getting like... Yeah, go ahead.

[00:05:37] Johnny allegedly removed her shirt, began fondling her breasts and racially insulting Doe's wife remarking, I bet your little Asian wife, fish head wife doesn't have these cannons to complain. Okay, this is getting a little... I'm sorry. First of all, this sounds like that he couldn't, he couldn't keep up with the high pace world of finance office flings until like, okay, yeah, this is actual... Yeah. Yeah, it went on and on. Yeah, I fucking own you.

[00:06:05] Do you think you're gonna be good standing if you don't have any in your corner? Do you think management will want some brown boy Indian leading originations? If you don't fuck my brains out tonight, I'm gonna sabotage your promotion. The brown boy stuff just... Yeah, but the... Does your Asian wife have these cannons? Come on, that's... I mean, alright, I'll give her that one. Weird one.

[00:06:25] Well, speaking of people getting up to no good, WSAZ3, and that is Ocala, Florida, WCJB and Akeem Powell reporting two 18 year olds in Florida were arrested after driving a lawnmower into a Target store for a prank video. Have you seen... Is the video on here? No, but I'm gonna find it. Oh, it's great. It's actually... You know, their flaw is that they did this when they were 18 and not 16 or 17. Ah, here we go.

[00:06:55] Because we did shit like the Bored Suburban Kids. Oh, yeah, yeah. Here's the official footage from the news. Okay, he's got... He didn't even get in the door! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Is this a crime? I'm sorry! Is this a crime?

[00:07:12] Is this a crime?

[00:08:08] I don't care, man. I don't know. I didn't really admit to any of the stuff I did when I was 16, thank God. We were up to no good. Oh, there was one time at Jamestown Mall, I took a thing of powered Vagisil and I tossed it in the fountain. I tossed it in the fountain in the center. Okay. So it was like a four-leaf clover mall. Yeah, I know. I'm familiar. For the folks at home that don't know. It was a classic, Classico four-leaf clover design.

[00:08:36] You know, four arch stretched out arms with a fountain in the center. You got your anchors and all that. You know, the classic mall style. There was a fountain in the middle, took a thing of powered Vagisil that I stole from a Dearbergs or something. And I was on like hanging out with a girl from a website, a dating website that was like a couple knocks below OkCupid. While I was like 16 or 17. Jesus. Just like a fucking menace. She thought it was really funny. Oh, sure.

[00:09:05] We parked outside the movie theater. So we're crossing past the, walking past the movie theater and I turn around and I just see this giant cloud of Vagisil. Just like, just like growing in the middle of the thing. And then, um, the really to show her how much of a bad guy I was, there was a convertible next to us with a top down. And I, I spit on the driver, the steering wheel. There you go. I was really cool. You're badass. I was Billy badass over here. Yeah.

[00:09:35] You know, I tell stories like this and then I do those all shocks things about like, you know, man, I had this bullshit principal in high school. I think she really looked at it as a mark on her, her career that she wasn't able to, uh, take me right from, uh, walking across the stage to get my diploma. Then to the back of a paddy wagon to go to the county. Oh yeah. And I talk, I talk about stuff like this, but I'm like, yeah, I don't know. Well, well, I mean, I wasn't like doing drugs. Right.

[00:10:01] That's like a thing my mom always said as she got older and found out that most of her, the people she knows their kids are all fuck ups and druggies. Mm hmm. She's like, my son just had a big mouth. He just fucking talked a lot of shit and like cared about stuff. He wasn't like, you know, he didn't steal my credit to identity theft. Right. He was just an asshole. Kind of a dick. Take it where you get it. Yeah. Now, you know, now as a almost four year old man, now she's apologizing, you know, but why can't you be like that?

[00:10:31] You know, such, you know, that shit. And then realize like, oh, you want me to be a fucking drug act that bartends a fucking bar that has a special drink is called Gator juice. Yeah. Very different. Or you can have a son that just kind of, you know, is mean. I'll tell you, I'll take the mean one. You know, well, speaking of the mean one this year from the Daily Dot, 91 year old gamer granny misses welfare checks over video game record.

[00:10:59] The eponymous Rennie just writing here. West Lake City Department officials found a 91 year old woman trying to break her record in a video game in response to a welfare check. After her family couldn't reach her by phone, they call the local authorities. Officers rushed to her home. Turns out she was beating her personal best in a video game because of this. She was unresponsive to door knocks. The police department shared the body cam footage. Now, of course, for privacy reasons, they don't actually show the woman.

[00:11:29] They flash banged her. Yeah. And shot her dog. Right. And double tapped her Roomba. Yeah. So News 5 Cleveland there. You heard a little bit of that. They had a good time with it. But yeah, it's it's we're with her now. She's playing video games in her bedroom. I have a feeling that's going to happen to me. I'm not dead. I'm in my bedroom playing GTA 5. I got GTA 5.

[00:11:56] I just I'm about to get I'm about to cash in these shark bucks. Mm hmm. Oh, God, if the servers are still on when I'm 91, that's going to be a problem. Oh, do you know the fucking GTA 5 is going to be poor? It's going to be like Skyrim. It's just going to keep going. We're going to get it. Yeah. No one's ever going to like care. But yeah, there's there's a lot of crappy AI images that were made, you know. But yeah, 91 years old and I hope at 91 I'm still doing that. I also hope at 91 that I'm still performing oral sex. Yes, that's right.

[00:12:25] Brian Johnson. God damn it. This guy. I know. Why you got me? Why you got make everything so weird? I know. Well, OK, so Brian Johnson the other day posting on Twitter just gave Kate oral sex. Good night, everyone. And then following up with a post saying this is her vaginal microbiome report. 100 out of 100 score top 1% of all vaginas. Wow. Weird way to be saying like I'm playing with the top shelf.

[00:12:55] I've got the primo trim. Top shelf trim. Lab found nothing bad to report in our garden area. Candida STIs opportunistic pathogens, aerobic vaginitis markers, etc. This is linked to a lower risk of BV, UTI's yeast infections, HPV persistence, HSV2 and HIV acquisition, preterm birth and improved IVF outcomes. A vaginal microbiome is downstream of everything. Sleep, glucose control, stress, gut health, sexual health, immune function, what you eat and what you put in it. I'm assuming not your penis.

[00:13:25] Kate then responds. Hi, everyone. Kate here. I know this seems unhinged, but oral sex isn't talked about enough. I think it is. Oral sex carries genuine risks. And then she goes on to, you know, HSV1 oral herpes, right? HPV is now the leading cause of oropharyngeal cancers, cancers of the throat, surpassing tobacco. And oral gonorrhea in particular is becoming antibiotic resistant at alarming rates. Oral sex is great, she says. The problem is we don't treat it seriously.

[00:13:55] Here's the thing. Neither one of them said whether she came. Yeah. Hmm. Interesting. Interesting. I don't disagree with anything she has to say. Like, this is all I think like pre-good like sexual health stuff. Sure, sure, sure. It's just really weird that the guy who wants to live forever, that compares his penis to his son's penis while also using his son as a blood boy. Yeah. That part's weird. Weird. And then Marshall Mathers asks, what's the pH?

[00:14:24] What's the pH on that shit, dog? And Brian says, below 4.5, which inhibits virtually all known pathogens. Pedro's mustache responding with a clip from a true detective. I just might need to stop saying odd shit. Perfect. Cut, print, no notes. That's exactly how I feel about this. Like, Brian, buddy, I love you, but no. Can we not do this? Sure. Good for you. Good. Look, hey, you know, you're going to live forever. You're going to be eating pussy until the day you die. Fine. I don't want to hear about it. That's not my business.

[00:14:54] It's nobody's business. And yet somehow it's now several million people's business. 14 million views on this tweet. Just absolutely insane. Sailor Poon. Can't believe we got the coochie Carfax before GTA 6. Speaking of GTA. Just gave Kate oral sex. Good night, folks. That's the thing I would expect to see on blue sky, but it's, you know. Yeah.

[00:15:20] Let's simmer down a little bit and we're going to talk about a crypto scam-o the week. You're listening to 48 minutes of dogs barking the podcast. And now it's time for the crypto scam of the week. Our good friends, the block. Give us this one. Wasabi protocol hit by more than $5 million exploit across multiple chains. Ooh. Yeah. Multiple chains. So this here. I haven't heard anything about wasabi in forever.

[00:15:50] It's a DeFi platform. Of course it's for derivatives. It has been exploited for over $5 million. Peck Shield said on Twitter that the attack was carried out across multiple chains, Ethereum-based bear chain and blasts. Blockade and SertaK said a compromised admin key allowed the attacker to gain privileged access via the Wasabi Deployer wallet, upgrade core systems, and drain funds.

[00:16:17] Quote, all wasabi slash spicy LP share tokens minted by these vaults should be treated as compromised. The underlying assets backing them have been drained or are at risk while the Wasabi Deployer key remains live, blockade said. Blocksec added, these are multiple security firms.

[00:16:36] Blocksec added that preliminary traces suggest tornado cash funded accounts were granted the admin related roles and involved in activity across Wasabi protocols, long pool, short pool, and vault contracts. They have been pwned pretty much stem to stern. Multiple assets. W ETH, Pepe, MOG, USDC, ZIN, RECT, CBBTC, Aero, and Virtual. The whole fucking deal, dog. The whole fucking deal.

[00:17:05] The stolen funds were consolidated into ETH, bridge to Ethereum network, and distributed across multiple addresses. Shaleev Karen, co-founder and chief product offer at Sodot, said, What hit Wasabi isn't a smart contract bug. It's the same operational failure we keep seeing across DeFi this year. Wasabi was already using an access control framework that supports a delay between the admin role being granted and that role being usable.

[00:17:31] Exactly the safety window that lets monitoring tools or the team itself catch a malicious exchange before it does damage. And they set the delay to zero. Oh, that's bad OPSEC. They fucked up! They really fucked up. They fucked up! They fucked up! They fucked up! Oh my god! What?

[00:17:49] Yeah, Wasabi did say, we are aware of an issue, yada yada yada.

[00:18:17] And yeah, AI, you know, is apparently pretty good at this. Apparently it's pretty fun. It's pretty freaking sweet, Lois. You can have AI just brute force, like through a script. Cause yeah, you can ask AI to script anything. Yeah, hey AI, can you make a triple-A game, no mistakes. 3D graphics, I need a style, and I need good music, good music, excellent music. I'm always scared that they're gonna try and do something like make like a fleshlight with AI. Oh god!

[00:18:46] And instead of the Riley Reid module, it then becomes Willem Dafoe. Ew, yeah. What's scary is that knowing that's what Willem Dafoe feels like, and it feels great. That would be really scary. That would be really terrifying. Not because of any homophobia. No. It's just that knowing that that is an act, like, you know, I could, I theorize in my life that I could fuck Riley Reid in some way. Okay. But it feels like it is way more unlikely I would ever fuck Willem Dafoe. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:19:15] Like that seems completely out of the question. Yeah. Like fucking a porn star, like, I'm funny. They let me hit because I got the jokes. Yeah, you're gesture maxing. But Willem, I don't have, I don't have the Genesee quote. I don't, I don't think I could be a tender lover. I don't think I could get him to open up like that where I could. I don't know. I think you're selling yourself short. I think you might. I think you might have the juice. Willem Dafoe, will he be my sugar daddy? Why, uh, sure.

[00:19:43] I want to be, I want to be the, the, uh, the Channing Tatum gimp from, uh, this is the end. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. I mean, look, if, if there was going to be anybody to be my Hollywood sugar daddy, it's him or it's maybe Mads. Yeah. Mads Mikkelsen. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of Paul Giamatti. I think you'd be a tender lover. Paul Giamatti would just be yelling at me about like, is this the right kind of monster

[00:20:13] on this grilled cheese? Okay. No, I'm talking about strictly in the bedroom. Paul Giamatti in his personal life. He might be a little bit more. But like, but like food's part of my love language. Okay. Okay. I see. Like, I know I could like, you might be able to impress. I could, I know I could like grill up like a really good pork steak from Willem Dafoe. Yeah. And he would be like, oh, this is one of those country people foods from your, your great home of Missouri. I'm also talking like Christopher Walken a little bit. Oh, Brian, let me come over here and let you top me.

[00:20:42] Oh, it'd be great. Wow. I'll pull my hair a little bit. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. I think you're gonna, you're gonna make me cum. I'm gonna bust. Oh. Don't pull, don't pull out Brian. I want it. Jesus. I want it inside. Everywhere. I want to have your ass babies, Brian.

[00:21:11] You're not just doing this for PlayStation 5. No, no. You're doing it because you love me, right? Yeah, I love you. This is what I had to do for PS5. Oh, God. Oh, God. Okay. Chris Walken, no. John Turturro, maybe. That's all I'm saying. I'm sorry, but... I'm sorry. He's too old. He's too old. I'm sorry, Chris. Thank you, Chris. You've never seen one of these before?

[00:21:42] Did the delivery men come by with the furniture? Did you... Did they do, did they give you the Wayfair white glove treatment? Yeah. I paid extra for that. Extra. Anyway. Yeah. Our main topic tonight. Brian. Bonzi. Buddy. Bonzi Buddy. Everyone's favorite purple monkey man. He talks. He searches.

[00:22:12] Mm-hmm. He laughs. Mm-hmm. And he schedules. He emails. He browses. He sings. He downloads. I mean, he does everything. And he swallows. Well, yeah. Yeah. He laughs. Microsoft Bob couldn't. He laughs. Funny you should mention Microsoft Bob. So, Bonzi Buddy, everyone kinda... There's a reputation, right? There's a reputation of Bonzi Buddy as it's basically... It's spyware, it's adware, right? But it didn't start out that way. The idea was the two brothers...

[00:22:41] Name Bonzi, by the way. Their last name is Bonzi. There was a rape chat room hosted on Bonzi Buddy. Hey, did you hear about this? I heard about this. Did you say Christopher... Christopher Walking in weird misinformation? Yeah. There's a basement in this place called Comet Ping Pong. Yeah. In the nation's capital. I'm also kinda getting a little Jack White in there. Wow! Wow!

[00:23:11] Ooh! This is Jimmy Urn if you listen to Bo Diddley. Yeah, so, Bonzi Buddy was created by two guys. Two guys. Joe and Jay Bonzi was the name of the brothers. They launched Bonzi Buddy 1999. And the Bonzi brothers, they said, you know what? We're gonna take a piece of Microsoft software and revamp it. Remake it on our own.

[00:23:39] There was a piece of Microsoft software and it was originally called Office Assistant. As part of the Office 97 release, this is according to HowToGeek. As part of the Office 97 release, Microsoft introduced Office Assistant. An animated character that would pop up to help you do things as you worked. One of which, many of you know already what I'm gonna say. Clippy! The paperclip. Yeah.

[00:24:08] Yeah, the paperclip of the googly eyes. Goal clippy. Now, according to Stanford University's study, this is, Microsoft designed this assistant feature after, quote, tragically misunderstanding a Stanford University study that observed humans emotionally respond to computers in the same way they responded to people. In Microsoft's collective mind, this meant that they should start putting faces and voices on their screens so people would enjoy using their computer more. Uh-huh. Didn't exactly work. No, it didn't. It was very...

[00:24:37] God, Clippy sucked. Clippy did suck. Clippy was built on a technology called Microsoft Agent. Agent was derived from code that first was introduced in... Microsoft Bob. Bob. That's right. My brother had a Microsoft Bob poster from his days working at a computer software store. I remember it was a kid asking him, cause like, it's a smiley face with glasses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, what is that? He's like, this is basically, I think his response was telling me as a kid, this is some shit that sucks. Like, it was just, you know, and my brother telling me that it was like all I ever need

[00:25:07] to know for the rest of my life. This sucked. It's like, you know, irony that you had it. Bob sucked. Clippy sucked. Yeah. Well, Clippy wasn't the only character either. So there were four characters in Agent that you can choose from. That was Merlin the wizard, Robbie the robot, which I liked. I actually liked Robbie the robot, but that's just me. Genie the genie and Petey the parrot. Now the Microsoft office team chose to create a new character called Clippy. But while again, this is how to geek saying Petey the parrot would find a home outside of Microsoft.

[00:25:36] Third party developers, Bonzi software used Petey as the first version of their standalone helper program, Bonzi buddy. So it goes straight from Microsoft's trash can directly to Bonzi software. They wanted it to be able to do everything. So they had this green parrot and it was supposed to do things like read your emails or help you do any number of tasks. But the problem was it sucked. It was bad. Yeah.

[00:26:05] I remember a high school teacher having it on their computer and it seemed like it made everything worse. Yeah. Upon installation with Bonzi buddy, this was even the PD, the green parrot version. You had to fill out your address. That was a big one. This was well before what we think of now is kind of like, you know, privacy issues or whatever. You had this requirement.

[00:26:29] You had to fill out your address, but eventually they got rid of the parrot and settled on the purple monkey. Purple, purple monkey dishwasher. Exactly. So they couldn't actually include PD, but Bonzi had their trademark monkey. Mm hmm. Here's the problem. It was cute. And that's that's a huge problem. Right. People really enjoyed things that were cute at the time.

[00:26:55] Oh, it's got a little monkey and it's sitting on my desktop and it's spinning the globe. And once you entered your information, Bonzi buddy was basically selling your information. The other thing was, this is according to a Newport computer group weekly, you had a limited amount of time to use it for free. You couldn't use it for free forever. Then the price jumped to $40. The problem was you never really knew when that price jump was going to happen.

[00:27:22] And it would change your web browser's homepage to the Bonzi buddy website without you having to click OK, because that's a thing now you have to always approve these changes. Right. Not so much at the time. No, they did not make it explicit to users what was happening. They did not allow you to make any changes very easily. But at the same time, some people really fell for it. Right. It would do it would do text to speech. Yeah, it would sing. It'd tell you a joke.

[00:27:50] It hit you with random trivia. You could play games that it would read your story, all of which based on text to speech, text to speech, which was itself a Microsoft product. Microsoft Sam. Yeah. Microsoft Sam. And the thing is, too, Bonzi buddy, obviously, it's very primitive. You couldn't tell Bonzi buddy like, hey, if I don't want to make Napalm, what should I not do? Bonzi buddy wouldn't understand that.

[00:28:16] Bonzi buddy, where are all the entrances and exits of Hassan Piker's house? There are several clones out there, by the way. You can get Bonzi buddy right now. Bonzi buddy.org does exist. And it is basically a clone of the original. You can set it up as long as you have a Windows XP install on your local or on a virtual machine. You can download Bonzi buddy right now. There's a bunch of clones. A bunch of people decided that they were going to make some versions of their own.

[00:28:44] There's a new one called Blob Buddy. Tmafe.com slash Blob Buddy. Looks like a sex toy. Yeah. Welcome to the world of Blob Buddy. He will explore... I'm not a flashlight! That's right. He will explore the internet with you as your very own nuisance. He can talk, walk, joke, browse, and search like no other nightmare you've ever had. He even has the ability to insult you and hate on you. And so yes, they did the opposite version, right? Didn't Karl Malley do something like this?

[00:29:13] He was using something similar, yes. So, cracked.com, one of the very few cracked articles that still is worth reading. This was Eli Yudin. Oh, I know that name. Yeah. Did it work? Says, of course not. Bonzi took up an immense amount of real estate on your screen and his ability to speak was also a major hindrance. Moreover, just in case you had successfully started to get used to where he was, he would suddenly swing across your screen on a vine.

[00:29:41] He was endlessly changing your homepage to bonzi.com over and over again. He would serve pop-up ads that looked exactly like actual Windows notifications. Here's a piece from Extreme Tech. He would ask his young computer-loving friends to register in order to get updates for Lulomi, which included entering their home address. Before long, you'd slowly realize that this was Bonzi's computer now.

[00:30:06] Something that necessitated the download of antivirus and anti-malware software to purge every purple strand of fur from your machine. I feel a not insignificant amount of hard drives had to be reformatted just to be sure the stench of that horrible ape was carefully expunged. Computer security firms officially classified him as malware and or adware, the equivalent of plastering his face on a wanted poster for, quote, crimes too many to count.

[00:30:34] And yes, many, many times this was brought up. This was a lawsuit, in fact, a class action suit in 2003. They settled out of court. Bonzi agreed to pay court costs, but no punitive damages. Hmm. This settlement is viewed as an important achievement garnering immediate public benefits in the rapidly evolving Internet advertising industry.

[00:30:55] In addition to these immediate benefits, plaintiffs are hopeful that these changes in advertising practices agreed to by Bonzi software will pave the way for similar corrective actions by other Internet advertisers. This settlement contains four components. This is very important. First, that Bonzi's pop-up windows will contain the term advertisement prominently displayed so users will not be misled into thinking their PC is generating the message.

[00:31:19] Second, that these windows will not contain fake user interfaces or FUIs which mimic the functions of Windows. And third, that the company will not embed an OK button in its pop-ups. And fourth, that the software will not claim that the user is broadcasting his IP address. Bonzi software also did Internet Boost, Internet Alert, and a voicemail program. Or a voice email program, I should say. But Bonzi Buddy was the most popular one. The messages did contain an OK button.

[00:31:47] When you pressed it, it went to the Bonzi website. I fucking hate that. Yep. You'll never guess. 2004, a year after, the Federal Trade Commission came after them as well. No way! You know why? Tell me, dog. For violating the Children's Online Privacy Protection Act by collecting personal information from children under the age of 13. Huh! Hmm. 2004.

[00:32:13] They got fined $75,000 in fees for that. Not great. Since that time, they kind of went completely down the toilet. Everybody just agreed, yep, this is a piece of shit. But Malwarebytes co-founder and CEO Mark and Klusinski is quoted as saying, It was very annoying. You couldn't get rid of it. You couldn't uninstall it. It kept changing your browser settings. It kept feeding you advertisements. And at some point, I just didn't know what to do.

[00:32:41] Alex Eccleberry, CEO of Sunbelt Software, said, Garbage spyware, the browsers were not as secure as they were today, and people could get tricked into installing stuff. And so, 2004, an online safety study conducted by AOL found that 80% of the 329 dial-up and broadband adult computer users queried had spyware or malware, and only 53% of those individuals were aware of it. Oh, yeah, dude, it was fucking a nightmare.

[00:33:11] One thing was Spybot was like the good free malware, you know, they had search and destroy, and I think it was called Luke Fire... Filewalker? Yeah, Luke Firewalker was the original. It's fucking gnarly. Man, we all love... We love stupid fucking shit, man. We just like... Dumb monkey that ruins my computer worse than downloading lincolnpark.exe on LimeWire. Oh, man.

[00:33:37] After that, obviously the company probably didn't feel too hot about BonziBuddy. A lot of folks decided that, you know, this was it. They discontinued it in 2005. Good. Now it lives as an NFT, I'm sure. No, that's exactly it. There were parodies, there were people doing alternate versions, but yeah, the big result is that it wound up being a fucking NFT. And here it is on OpenSea. Goddamn, OpenSea. Mm-hmm.

[00:34:06] Minted February 2022. USD value currently $6,748. I think that's for the whole collection. For, yeah, for the tokens, one token Ethereum, and then for the portfolio itself here, we've got our one NFT being the BonziBuddy Hi-Res 1 of 1. I don't think it's ever actually been purchased. Amazing.

[00:34:34] Owned by BonziBuddy underscore official, who still also holds the other 126 BonziBuddy NFTs. What the fuck? Yeah. And all the NFTs are just like individual. All my apes are gone. Yeah. And they're not listed. No. Well, it kind of got a second life right around 2013. Vine Sauce Joel recorded himself taking a Windows XP system and doing all sorts of stupid shit to it in a video called Windows XP Destruction.

[00:35:03] In the description here, a barrage of viruses, malware, BonziBuddy toolbar is in terrible new metal. I'm Bonzi. What is my name? How about expand dog? Nice to meet you. Expand dog. Since this is the first time we have met, I'd like to tell you a little about myself. That you should be fucking euthanized? I'm BonziBuddy.

[00:35:33] Anestiality porn to corrupt you. Not that I'm not already smart. That's a perfect distillation. Yeah, 2013 Vine Sauce did that one. And there have been a number of successors. I mentioned Blob Buddy, but there's also Desktop Goose, Brian. Um, okay. So someone has made, this was, let's see here, six years ago, 2020 Desktop Goose. Nice, here's a little sample.

[00:36:02] The goose wandering on your desktop, getting dirt on your documents, stealing the mouse cursor and dragging it away, dragging over memes that he found, writing his own notes to drag across your video games. Someone here playing Half-Life 2 while the mouse spins in circles. Brilliant. In the spirit, of course, of the Untitled Goose game. Yeah. Yeah, the goose.

[00:36:29] I'm sorry, I'm also seeing the incel Sebastian from Comptown in the corner. All right, fine. All right, save that for later. But yes, the guy who does, the guy who did Desktop Goose, by the way, also did Fidget Physics, which I think is really funny. It turns your desktop into a literal sandbox where you can just throw sand around in your desktop. And then the desktop cat cursor, turning your cursor into a cat's paw, which I think is really funny.

[00:36:58] But Redditors had a nice little reminisce two years ago about this. On r slash today, I learned, today I learned about BonziBuddy, a free virtual desktop assistant created in 1999. People called it spyware after it was found out to have collected users' personal information before serving them pop-up ads. Because of this, it had to pay 75K in fines and was discontinued in 2004. You got your dates wrong, buddy. It's 2005. But anyway, some comments here that I thought were really fun.

[00:37:24] Ah, those bygone halcyon days when collecting users' personal information in order to serve them ads was something software companies were expected to be ashamed of and could be meaningfully punished for. Oh, yeah. Wholesome Ranger posting, now I feel old. I remember when this came out and playing around with it. It was a lot of fun for a kid. A user that's been deleted said, good old days where we would run untrustworthy software with reckless abandon. You can still get... You can get BonziBuddy.

[00:37:53] BonziBuddy.org. Yeah, you can grow a cool soul patch, hang out at the mall, get some bourbon chicken from the Asian place in the food court, smoke weed in the changing room at Pacific Sun. Now, I bet you didn't know this. Apparently... Probably didn't. Apparently there was going to be a TV show. There was going to be a BonziBuddy TV show. 2009, yes. Forum website, BonziBuddy.TK talked about the show.

[00:38:21] A forum post on the site said a new clip of the show had just dropped. That was 2009. But it has been deleted. BonziBuddy.TK has been closed since 2016. The moderator said, here's why. Hello, BonziBuddy.TK enjoyers. This is user AdmanDev. Four years back. I've operated this hellscape for over five years now, and I'm always surprised that many people keep returning to this public gravestone every day.

[00:38:49] I've recently changed hosting plans for the site of pilgrimage and thought I would share the most interesting traffic stats from the last two years before their lost time. In summary, 177,345 people used 1.8 terabytes of bandwidth since January 2021. And the internet is much worse off because of this. Yeah, apparently there was going to be a show. The Post from 2009. Does anyone here remember BonziBuddy?

[00:39:18] That purple gorilla would annoy the hell out of you and make you uninstall it a few minutes after using it? Well, I found out that there was a TV show for kids based on him. Apparently Nick Jr. was trying to run this. Now, in my research, I have not been able to find this. I think this is one of those things where people were just having a laugh. Now, there are some really good fake videos. BonziBuddy series episode 41. Bonzi gets a virus. I have been fucking around. I got... From AI Christopher...

[00:39:47] Oh, you didn't like it. I just here on the internet, surfing the web like I used to back in the early 2000s, when I had my program before all that drama happened in 2005. What's this? Wow. I can win a lifetime supply of bananas if I can win this new game that just came out. I don't know what it's called, but it's something I can't pass up. All right. It is downloading. Done.

[00:40:16] Let's open the file. Yes, this was based, by the way, in the 25KAPRTV. It's a channel on YouTube associated with Nickelodeon from 2017. It currently makes Bonzi's Jungle Challenge and other BonziBuddy videos. So they did Bonzi's Jungle Challenge. Have you seen this? Alex Paris. Alex Paris. A YouTuber.

[00:40:47] Larry4009. The Wheel of Pain in 2010. A stunt game show where contestants spin a wheel to earn money and give their opponents stunts and win a bigger prize in the bonus round. So a lot of game shows. Alex versus the money cards. Alex versus osteoporosis. Alex versus... He does do the Bonzi Buddy vlogs. So weird. And they're not even good. Here's the Bonzi's Jungle Challenge, just in case you...

[00:41:17] But Bonzi's Jungle Challenge was a version of Press Your Luck. With Bonzi as the whammy. You're supposed to get no whammies, right? No Bonzi, no Bonzi, no Bonzi. Stop. Just challenge on, baby. All right. Challenge on. 750. 1638. Two spins. What do you want to do? Challenge on. He wastes no time, folks. Don't hurt you, child. Oh, Bonzi.

[00:41:53] And that's exactly what Nels would do, trying to eat a banana one bite. Not great. Bonzi Buddy, everybody. God, Jesus. Sometimes, man, we go on these walks into the past, and we play the adware that sucks ass. Yeah. Pretty ridiculous. But yes, Bonzi Buddy. Good times. Bonzi Buddy did... Now wear disguised as your best friend. Bonzi Buddy did 9-11. I did 9-11.

[00:42:22] We can't prove he didn't. Well, that about does for the program. We're going to tell you where to find us online. Brian, kick us off. If you want to find me on the internet, you can go over to Twitter and Blue Sky and find me at iShotGyDbord. I-S-H-O-T-G-U-I-D-B-O-R-D. If you want to check me out on Instagram, I'm over there at amusicphotographer. And if you want to check out my well-curated portfolio of people with their mouths open, you can go over to assholemusicphotographer.com.

[00:42:49] And if you want to check out the last and only good media website, left in the screwy St. Louis, you can go over to theartsstl.com. And then, I think that's it. I got a sub stack that I'm neglecting, but I don't have to plug it this week. That's fine. Jason, where can they give you an infection? Anywhere you like. That's going to be Twitter and Blue Sky Video Crime. I'm also there at Letterboxd. Any place there's a video crime, chances are that's me. That's B-I-D-E-O-C-R-I-M-E. I'm also part of a podcast that's not this one.

[00:43:19] It's called Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals. There I play a fictionalized version of horror icon Stephen King. Very funny stuff. Two seasons worth await you. Go to midnight-pals.simplecast.com. Or, anywhere podcasts are sold, just search Midnight Pals. You can reach this show in a number of ways. My personal favorite is the telephone, 314-246-9766. That's 314-ahoy-poo if you like to spell with your telephone. You can shoot us an email.

[00:43:48] Jason at the number 4, the number 8, Minutes of Dogs Barking dot com. Or, Brian with a Y at the number 4, the number 8, Minutes of Dogs Barking dot com. Support the show, Patreon dot com slash 4, 8 Minutes of Dogs. There you will find our bonus episode. An extra 45 minutes to an hour each week of bonus material. It's called Thanks, I Hate It. We try to release them the day before a brand new episode. So that way, you get a little double dipping for your money there. We also have a couple other bonuses on that site.

[00:44:14] I'm still working on the Shock.jpg best of. We have discontinued that feature on the show proper. But there's several years worth of material for us to comb through and enjoy. There's so much. So much. Way too much. And you also have things like the Mind Zone and all that. So, Patreon dot com slash 4, 8 Minutes of Dogs. Well, that about does it for the show. So, I thank you for listening.

[00:44:44] We always say at this time, namaste, good luck, give mommy a good gut. Fucking 25th minute now. Eat the knife. Like really now.